The Nuisance Driver
First published in WTFMag

C'mon, pal, turn right. I'm going to be late. Why do you people always get in front of me? I meant to go the opposite direction at the last light, but I guess I was daydreaming.

You drive like an old lady, you know. In fact, if you moved any slower, we’d be stopped. Geez, my mother rides her bicycle faster than you drive. You and your blue Buick should be home out of everyone's way.

Were you driving a beige Ford Escort yesterday? I followed you to Home Depot; and gave you the finger as I sped by, even though it was a no passing zone. Remember? Serves you right for disrespecting the real drivers out here.

Wow. You did it. You turned right. Wait. What’s going on? Why am I turning? No, go straight. You’re my car. Do as I say. Don’t follow that ignoramus. I’m in a hurry.

Why are you pulling into the parking lot of the soccer facility?

OK, the driver's getting out. Ha, it is an old lady. She can’t even stand straight. I bet her feet barely reach the pedals. And that outfit. The purple dress with yellow and green flowers is bad enough. But a red hat? This woman must be crazy.

Why can’t I open the car door? Let me out, you stupid car. No, don’t roll the window down. Unlock the door.

Wait. What are you doing, lady? Is that a gun? Why are you pointing it at me?

Yes, I complained about your driving. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. Come on. Give me a break. Put the gun away.

Well, no, I didn’t give you a break; but that’s different. You know how it is. You’re in a hurry and everything seems to be against you, and you get annoyed, and…

Yes, I know it’s not nice, but….

What? Do I go to church? What has that got to do with anything?

Well...no…I don’t go to church. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God.

You want me to what? Close my mouth and shut up. Why? OK. OK, I’ll do it.

That gun looks funny. I don’t think I’ve seen one like it before. Geez, don’t shoot me. I won’t complain again. What the... You shot me!

What is this? A paint pellet? Filled with…fish? And all I did was bitch about your driving. I wonder what you would do if I were to tell you my dog looks better than you.

No, don’t reload the gun. I didn’t mean it. It was just an example. I wasn’t going to… Hey, I can’t pick up my grandson smelling like this.

Return to My Stories.

Contact me regarding this story.